I'm not 100% what it was that possessed me to take on a tomporary contract in the country. Maybe I felt like i needed to get away for a bit. Its pretty lonely out here, away from home away from everything i know and love. I guess its given me time for some self reflection... discover who i am again, who i want to be.

I have been managing, between work and tiredness.. but the weekends are the worst. Nothing to do, not much to see... I just hope i will get something out of this, they say things happen for a reason...

Mothers day was bittersweet.. Took Evan bear out to release some balloon at the garden of remeberance...
I feel much happier having him home, and in bear form for cuddles. Went to the hospital again for results, again got told they werent in. Really over this feeling of not knowing one way or the other...

Still no luck in looking for work, I feel like im in a place of limbo right now, and i just cant move ahead no matter how hard i try ...

Evan Bear <3

Life is staggered.
Life is a struggle....

I hate this feeling of going from one exteme to the other, completely depressed, then greatful and enjoying the beauty of the world... then depression again.

I feel bad that i havent actually achieved anything website related over the past week. Thats not to say I havent been busy just had other things going on. Other things that are going quite well... Working on a special project for a friend that has become my focus, looking for a job which is currently the thorn in my side...

I want to work so i dont 'need' something to keep me busy. But the constant rejection is enough to make me want to give up - even from places that i thought i would really have a chance at. Does Baby Death make me unhirable? Its like I have a Stigma attached to me now that no one wants to be around. I wish it was as easy as erasing it from my history, but I have to account for the reasons for leaving my former employment - maternity leave, pregnancy complications... then account for the now 5 months that I havent been doing much at all.. wow has it really been that long?

So Mothers Day is Sunday. We're heading to the crematorium. yay. :/

I cant beleive its May already!


This month marks 3 months since Evan was taken from us... and the magic month where we can think about taking another shot at this baby stuff. Im lucky i have a partner who is so on board with this, he wants a child of his own more than anything right now. I do too, but i dont want it to be a 'bandaid baby' the one we have to have to heal us... but i do think it will go a long way into helping with the process - i just dont want to feel like we're just forgetting and moving on.. I miss him so badly.

So DP wants to get all healthy and stuff before TTC - yeah ideally i would to but i feel like this first cycle would be its own blessing- having a baby before Evans first birthday would soften the blow a little, having a baby a few months after a friend who is currently pregnant would soften the blow of having to see her with her baby... I just want to start the process now... Baby Gods - let us have this one, next month would be just too close to Evans birthday, and thinking further into the future is too unbearable right now.. please, just give us a break for once!!!!

This little page is just a memorial to the little boy who made it all possible. Evan. Every day in Australia, 6 babies are stillborn. Many more are born perfectly healthy, But it's still 6 too many.

So I got to go to my first SANDS meeting last night. was scared. REALLY scared and not knowing what to expect.. thought i was going to throw up.
But i got there. And it was pretty good. I just cant believe how NORMAL these girls who have lost their babies seem. I dunno, its comforting because sometimes i feel like im not normal, like its my fault this has happened.

I cant believe it but it looks like we could be 'trying again' really soon. Like next month. I dunno, is it too soon? I just want a baby to take home :(