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Monday, 2 May 2011
I cant beleive its May already!
This month marks 3 months since Evan was taken from us... and the magic month where we can think about taking another shot at this baby stuff. Im lucky i have a partner who is so on board with this, he wants a child of his own more than anything right now. I do too, but i dont want it to be a 'bandaid baby' the one we have to have to heal us... but i do think it will go a long way into helping with the process - i just dont want to feel like we're just forgetting and moving on.. I miss him so badly.
So DP wants to get all healthy and stuff before TTC - yeah ideally i would to but i feel like this first cycle would be its own blessing- having a baby before Evans first birthday would soften the blow a little, having a baby a few months after a friend who is currently pregnant would soften the blow of having to see her with her baby... I just want to start the process now... Baby Gods - let us have this one, next month would be just too close to Evans birthday, and thinking further into the future is too unbearable right now.. please, just give us a break for once!!!!
This month marks 3 months since Evan was taken from us... and the magic month where we can think about taking another shot at this baby stuff. Im lucky i have a partner who is so on board with this, he wants a child of his own more than anything right now. I do too, but i dont want it to be a 'bandaid baby' the one we have to have to heal us... but i do think it will go a long way into helping with the process - i just dont want to feel like we're just forgetting and moving on.. I miss him so badly.
So DP wants to get all healthy and stuff before TTC - yeah ideally i would to but i feel like this first cycle would be its own blessing- having a baby before Evans first birthday would soften the blow a little, having a baby a few months after a friend who is currently pregnant would soften the blow of having to see her with her baby... I just want to start the process now... Baby Gods - let us have this one, next month would be just too close to Evans birthday, and thinking further into the future is too unbearable right now.. please, just give us a break for once!!!!
Thursday, 28 April 2011
This little page is just a memorial to the little boy who made it all possible. Evan. Every day in Australia, 6 babies are stillborn. Many more are born perfectly healthy, But it's still 6 too many.
So I got to go to my first SANDS meeting last night. was scared. REALLY scared and not knowing what to expect.. thought i was going to throw up.
But i got there. And it was pretty good. I just cant believe how NORMAL these girls who have lost their babies seem. I dunno, its comforting because sometimes i feel like im not normal, like its my fault this has happened.
I cant believe it but it looks like we could be 'trying again' really soon. Like next month. I dunno, is it too soon? I just want a baby to take home :(
But i got there. And it was pretty good. I just cant believe how NORMAL these girls who have lost their babies seem. I dunno, its comforting because sometimes i feel like im not normal, like its my fault this has happened.
I cant believe it but it looks like we could be 'trying again' really soon. Like next month. I dunno, is it too soon? I just want a baby to take home :(
Saturday, 23 April 2011
..so i think i have writers block... or whatever you would call it for a website... I think the problem is I have way too many ideas im focusing on and its becoming overwhelming.. Which is kinda sad because i feel like im not getting anywhere with anything.. I still cant sleep, not for lack of trying, but ive come to realise that sleep is where i am haunted of what should have, could have been... Even with sleeping pills i just cant seem to relax.
Wish i could tell you more, but im just sad and overtired really...
Wish i could tell you more, but im just sad and overtired really...
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
have been madly working on a new project the last week.. its coming along, but not ready for public domain as yet! Today has been my first break from any work on it .. yes i do need to get back into the real world occasionally! Had a job interview today, which went ok.. So far its been about 5 hrs of interviewing and testing, for a casual entry level role that doesnt pay much more than the minimum wage!! :/
So i conqured the train today. I havent been on a train since being heavily pregnant. I remember the morings well, going in to work and home everyday - listening to pregnancy podcasts and being silently outraged that people never gave up their seats.. It just doesnt feel right now.. heading back in to look for work.. I shouldnt be in this situation, i should be a sleep deprived new mum.
Instead im just a sleep deprived lost soul, Oh i took a stillbirth book on the train to read too.. BIG mistake.. got teary only 2 pages in.. not a good look in public..
I took a few pills so i can get some rest tonight, hopefully it will calm my mind as well.
Monday, 11 April 2011
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
.... On the 17th of February this year I sent a message to all my friends and loved ones via facebook, who were eagerly awaiting the birth of our first child. Sadly, this was not the news they were expecting to hear.
"Our little boy passed away last night at 39 +4. So close to the end. Still yet to give birth to our sleeping angel. will be having a c section at some point today. No answers as to why or how it happened at this stage."
My pregnancy was absolutely fine. Bubs heartbeat measured around 140bpm every visit. My blood pressure was fine, Fundal height had measured on target every week. On the 16th of February- I just didn’t feel him moving. I wondered whether to go and get it checked out, since babies are known for generally moving less just before birth.. I had a glass of orange juice and a lie down... but when that failed to kick-start anything I became a little concerned.
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