I feel bad that i havent actually achieved anything website related over the past week. Thats not to say I havent been busy just had other things going on. Other things that are going quite well... Working on a special project for a friend that has become my focus, looking for a job which is currently the thorn in my side...

I want to work so i dont 'need' something to keep me busy. But the constant rejection is enough to make me want to give up - even from places that i thought i would really have a chance at. Does Baby Death make me unhirable? Its like I have a Stigma attached to me now that no one wants to be around. I wish it was as easy as erasing it from my history, but I have to account for the reasons for leaving my former employment - maternity leave, pregnancy complications... then account for the now 5 months that I havent been doing much at all.. wow has it really been that long?

So Mothers Day is Sunday. We're heading to the crematorium. yay. :/

I cant beleive its May already!


This month marks 3 months since Evan was taken from us... and the magic month where we can think about taking another shot at this baby stuff. Im lucky i have a partner who is so on board with this, he wants a child of his own more than anything right now. I do too, but i dont want it to be a 'bandaid baby' the one we have to have to heal us... but i do think it will go a long way into helping with the process - i just dont want to feel like we're just forgetting and moving on.. I miss him so badly.

So DP wants to get all healthy and stuff before TTC - yeah ideally i would to but i feel like this first cycle would be its own blessing- having a baby before Evans first birthday would soften the blow a little, having a baby a few months after a friend who is currently pregnant would soften the blow of having to see her with her baby... I just want to start the process now... Baby Gods - let us have this one, next month would be just too close to Evans birthday, and thinking further into the future is too unbearable right now.. please, just give us a break for once!!!!

This little page is just a memorial to the little boy who made it all possible. Evan. Every day in Australia, 6 babies are stillborn. Many more are born perfectly healthy, But it's still 6 too many.

So I got to go to my first SANDS meeting last night. was scared. REALLY scared and not knowing what to expect.. thought i was going to throw up.
But i got there. And it was pretty good. I just cant believe how NORMAL these girls who have lost their babies seem. I dunno, its comforting because sometimes i feel like im not normal, like its my fault this has happened.

I cant believe it but it looks like we could be 'trying again' really soon. Like next month. I dunno, is it too soon? I just want a baby to take home :( 

..so i think i have writers block... or whatever you would call it for a website... I think the problem is I have way too many ideas im focusing on and its becoming overwhelming.. Which is kinda sad because i feel like im not getting anywhere with anything.. I still cant sleep, not for lack of trying, but ive come to realise that sleep is where i am haunted of what should have, could have been... Even with sleeping pills i just cant seem to relax.


Wish i could tell you more, but im just sad and overtired really...