This story does not have a happy ending. Evan passed away on the 16th of February, and I gave birth the next day.   Its been tough. But Im OK atm. id like to continue this diary on about where we go from here.. And preserve the memories of our little Evan.

I think i need to go back to the beginiing. talk about the pregnanacy, talk about the birth, talk about the grief, talk about the healing process.
Maybe one day in the future ill even get to do it all again. And next time remeber to update more. It could all Slip away at any moment.

While i am here today id like to go through the choices i have made for saying goodbye to Evan. He will be farewelled friday week at 2:30pm

-I dont want a minister or a formal service.

-I just want to see him and hold him again for the last time.

-I want to have professional photos done - just me and DP

-I dont really want anyone else there, but realise thats selfish so will give family the chance to say goodbye but only after we have had some time alone.

-I want to burn some lavendar oil in the chapel so the scent is a reminder of my little boy. i can burn it to feel close to him and remeber him every time i smell it.

-I do not want to see my baby in a coffin. DP and i went out specifically to buy a basinette today for this purpose. How surreal was that.. baby shopping for a baby that has passed away. The bassinette however can be something he has used- that he can share with his potential brothers or sisters one day.

-i want to keep his ashes in a nice urn. I want some in a jewellery urn that i can wear when i want to feel him close to my heart.

-I want another locket for a lock of his hair and a photo of him- something i can wear every day. His ashes are a little too special for that.

-i want footprints and handprints taken - will get his little feet engraved on the locket.

i think thats it really. I hope thats enough to honour him in the way he deserves. I might write him a letter too, and tell him how sorry i am that my body couldnt sustain him for those last few days. Sorry for anything i did that made him uncomfortable inside me - and that i am all he ever knew of the world.