I dont think im very in touch with my emotions.

If someone asked me how i was feeling now... I would have to say.. comfortably numb. I still cant sleep well, and no Dr's pills are fixing that

I escaped to the shower before.. and had one of those random thoughts... I realised that i will never hold my little boys hand again. He's really gone.



We had his service on friday, and in a way i feel like have been in limbo.. waiting for his funeral day, and now waiting for my dr's checkup at week 6, waiting to hear the autopsy results.

The service was nice. There wasnt really much to say or do, i just really wanted to see him again. It wasnt the same though.. i still felt love for him.. but not the overwhelming maternal emotions i had.. he wasnt there. he was gone. His little body was still pretty much frozen.. and kinda ick too. i couldnt pick him up and hold him like i wanted to because he would have just fallen apart. He did look lovely in the little outfit i had picked out for him though. How i wish i could show him off to everyone..

I feel in a way like i have been transported back in time to a year ago.. things have changed in some ways but in other ways it feels like i was never pregnant at all. Like i could have dreamt the whole thing. My strech marks and C/S scar tell another story though.

Yesterday i thought about being here, one year ago... and i thought.. if it wasnt for this baby would we be living together... would we still be together at all. I asked DP.. he just doesnt understand.

Sometimes i feel like this is the end of our relationship. Much as he doesnt want that, It bought us closer together but it may also be tearing us apart. We cope differently... but its almost as if our grief is the only thing holding us together right now. I wonder, if i can manage .. in a week... in a month... in a year.. being around him. Everytime i look at him i see my little boy. And i see how much hurt he has gone through in losing him. and he tells me how ripped off he feels that he was taken ... i dont know if i can handle that disappointment. And i know he has to feel some of that when he looks at me too.

I dont know where i am. I dont know where i fit in to my own life.