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Wednesday 6 April 2011
.... On the 17th of February this year I sent a message to all my friends and loved ones via facebook, who were eagerly awaiting the birth of our first child. Sadly, this was not the news they were expecting to hear.
"Our little boy passed away last night at 39 +4. So close to the end. Still yet to give birth to our sleeping angel. will be having a c section at some point today. No answers as to why or how it happened at this stage."
My pregnancy was absolutely fine. Bubs heartbeat measured around 140bpm every visit. My blood pressure was fine, Fundal height had measured on target every week. On the 16th of February- I just didn’t feel him moving. I wondered whether to go and get it checked out, since babies are known for generally moving less just before birth.. I had a glass of orange juice and a lie down... but when that failed to kick-start anything I became a little concerned.
My partner drove me into the hospital, still fairly positive at this point but when they were unable to detect a heartbeat on the Doppler.. then nothing on the subsequent ultrasound.. we started to realise the news might not be good. A sonographer was called in and confirmed our worst fears... our little angel was gone.
It’s just so unexpected, no one tells you in pregnancy class that your baby could get to full term and still be at risk of passing away so suddenly. Losing a child is such a sad time - the loss of all that potential and who he could have been. All we really knew of him was watching my bump grow and feeling him kick and wiggle.. he would keep me awake all night! I know his daddy would get sick of me insisting that he feel my tummy every night, but it would calm the wriggler down enough for me to get to sleep. it’s amazing how much you take that movement for granted once it’s gone.
After sending that initial message, it took almost 24 hours of lying in the hospital birth suite without being able to eat or drink and being in labour before I could get in for my c/section. It was horrible and my body had already begun to go into labour naturally so tried to breathe through the contractions as much as I could. First we were told I would be first up on the list so I could be out of recovery before all the mums with their bubs rolled in, Our timeframe was good to go at 7:30am. Emergencies came up and it was delay after delay. I was finally rolled into surgery at 9:30pm that evening.
The sad truth is that there is NO answer for what happened at this stage. Even with an autopsy we may not get one and we do have to prepare ourselves for that. The birth itself gave nothing away; he was a massive 4.361 kgs. Gorgeous little boy! No cord knots, and wasn't around his neck or anything. Placenta was absolutely fine, still attached no signs of placenta preveria. Also it was comforting to know that no merconian was found in the amniotic either so he was probably not stressed at any time and passed away peacefully.
We had cuddles with him all night and he was just perfect. He was the first baby I have ever actually held in my arms and the love was instant. I got to feel like a mommy for the first time and it was absolutely amazing. Lots of kisses n cuddles with him and his daddy who has been my tower of strength. We have so much love for our little boy even though we never got the chance to know him. It’s just like I was told from so many other mothers- how nothing else matters when you become a parent... like giving birth is the moment your own life really begins! All the worries and fears and depressions and anxieties that I had through my pregnancy just seem so trivial now. It’s just amazing the range of emotions you go through.
Because it’s been such a long process I have 3 distinct days - 16th Feb - the day my baby died and probably the worst day of my life. 17th Feb - My baby's birth day. 18th Feb - the day I met him and got to hold him and honestly the happiest day of my life. Have had family visiting me today and I’m sure they thought I had overdone the morphine as I really have been so happy- because I felt pure love for the first time in my life. And now that is the only emotion I will ever feel towards my little boy.
I have also started work on a website dedicated to the memory of my little boy. www.angelbaby.com.au I started this website in the very early stages of grieving for my lost baby. I needed something to keep myself busy. I was a stay at home mother with no child. I had to do something to honour the memory of my little boy and raise awareness about the statistics on stillbirth. In Australia, each year, 2000 babies are stillborn and this number has remained steady for over ten years. My angel passed away in utero just 3 days before his due date. There were no signs, or warnings… his little heart just stopped beating. I want to donate the proceeds of sales from this website to stillbirth foundation and SIDS. I would also like to do fundraising drives for SANDS and other organisations that help families like ours work through the pain of losing a child.
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