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Wednesday, 6 April 2011
.... On the 17th of February this year I sent a message to all my friends and loved ones via facebook, who were eagerly awaiting the birth of our first child. Sadly, this was not the news they were expecting to hear.
"Our little boy passed away last night at 39 +4. So close to the end. Still yet to give birth to our sleeping angel. will be having a c section at some point today. No answers as to why or how it happened at this stage."
My pregnancy was absolutely fine. Bubs heartbeat measured around 140bpm every visit. My blood pressure was fine, Fundal height had measured on target every week. On the 16th of February- I just didn’t feel him moving. I wondered whether to go and get it checked out, since babies are known for generally moving less just before birth.. I had a glass of orange juice and a lie down... but when that failed to kick-start anything I became a little concerned.
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Had a quiet day today, Im not sure i like those too much... It usually means at least at some point i have time to stop and think, and have tears streaming down my face.
But, at the same time a need to allow myself time to grieve. Time to get it all out, not supress things..
I had to pick up his things from the funeral home today. that was tough, and even tougher I know im going to have to go back soon to pick him up, his ashes, all we have left.
But, at the same time a need to allow myself time to grieve. Time to get it all out, not supress things..
I had to pick up his things from the funeral home today. that was tough, and even tougher I know im going to have to go back soon to pick him up, his ashes, all we have left.
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
I dont think im very in touch with my emotions.
If someone asked me how i was feeling now... I would have to say.. comfortably numb. I still cant sleep well, and no Dr's pills are fixing that
I escaped to the shower before.. and had one of those random thoughts... I realised that i will never hold my little boys hand again. He's really gone.
If someone asked me how i was feeling now... I would have to say.. comfortably numb. I still cant sleep well, and no Dr's pills are fixing that
I escaped to the shower before.. and had one of those random thoughts... I realised that i will never hold my little boys hand again. He's really gone.
Monday, 7 March 2011
Matti - CHCH earthquake victim. Rockstar. & Mad Tattooist.
You will never know how much you meant to me x
I forgot to mention the giraffe in my story of the beginning. Yes, Giraffe. But it was the night that i told DP i wanted to start watching his lame human body documentaries. Just prior to that, the TV show Monk was on.. there was a shot of him going into a baby's nursery.. and there was a giraffe. I dont know why .. but i thought I MUST HAVE THIS FOR my baby.
So how do you track down a'stuffed giraffe you happened to glimpse on a random TV show and decide it would be perfect for the child you may possibly be pregnant with?'
i dont know
So how do you track down a'stuffed giraffe you happened to glimpse on a random TV show and decide it would be perfect for the child you may possibly be pregnant with?'
i dont know
but somehow i did
I never got to buy the giraffe in the end... but a part of me thinks its still important. I will get Evan his giraffe one day.
Saturday, 26 February 2011
THE BEGINNING
So, here we are - back at the start of this journey. TMI warning regarding sex and pregnancy symptoms!!
So, here we are - back at the start of this journey. TMI warning regarding sex and pregnancy symptoms!!
Thursday, 24 February 2011
This story does not have a happy ending. Evan passed away on the 16th of February, and I gave birth the next day. Its been tough. But Im OK atm. id like to continue this diary on about where we go from here.. And preserve the memories of our little Evan.
I think i need to go back to the beginiing. talk about the pregnanacy, talk about the birth, talk about the grief, talk about the healing process.
Maybe one day in the future ill even get to do it all again. And next time remeber to update more. It could all Slip away at any moment.
While i am here today id like to go through the choices i have made for saying goodbye to Evan. He will be farewelled friday week at 2:30pm
-I dont want a minister or a formal service.
-I just want to see him and hold him again for the last time.
-I want to have professional photos done - just me and DP
-I dont really want anyone else there, but realise thats selfish so will give family the chance to say goodbye but only after we have had some time alone.
-I want to burn some lavendar oil in the chapel so the scent is a reminder of my little boy. i can burn it to feel close to him and remeber him every time i smell it.
-I do not want to see my baby in a coffin. DP and i went out specifically to buy a basinette today for this purpose. How surreal was that.. baby shopping for a baby that has passed away. The bassinette however can be something he has used- that he can share with his potential brothers or sisters one day.
-i want to keep his ashes in a nice urn. I want some in a jewellery urn that i can wear when i want to feel him close to my heart.
-I want another locket for a lock of his hair and a photo of him- something i can wear every day. His ashes are a little too special for that.
-i want footprints and handprints taken - will get his little feet engraved on the locket.
i think thats it really. I hope thats enough to honour him in the way he deserves. I might write him a letter too, and tell him how sorry i am that my body couldnt sustain him for those last few days. Sorry for anything i did that made him uncomfortable inside me - and that i am all he ever knew of the world.
I think i need to go back to the beginiing. talk about the pregnanacy, talk about the birth, talk about the grief, talk about the healing process.
Maybe one day in the future ill even get to do it all again. And next time remeber to update more. It could all Slip away at any moment.
While i am here today id like to go through the choices i have made for saying goodbye to Evan. He will be farewelled friday week at 2:30pm
-I dont want a minister or a formal service.
-I just want to see him and hold him again for the last time.
-I want to have professional photos done - just me and DP
-I dont really want anyone else there, but realise thats selfish so will give family the chance to say goodbye but only after we have had some time alone.
-I want to burn some lavendar oil in the chapel so the scent is a reminder of my little boy. i can burn it to feel close to him and remeber him every time i smell it.
-I do not want to see my baby in a coffin. DP and i went out specifically to buy a basinette today for this purpose. How surreal was that.. baby shopping for a baby that has passed away. The bassinette however can be something he has used- that he can share with his potential brothers or sisters one day.
-i want to keep his ashes in a nice urn. I want some in a jewellery urn that i can wear when i want to feel him close to my heart.
-I want another locket for a lock of his hair and a photo of him- something i can wear every day. His ashes are a little too special for that.
-i want footprints and handprints taken - will get his little feet engraved on the locket.
i think thats it really. I hope thats enough to honour him in the way he deserves. I might write him a letter too, and tell him how sorry i am that my body couldnt sustain him for those last few days. Sorry for anything i did that made him uncomfortable inside me - and that i am all he ever knew of the world.
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