I'm not 100% what it was that possessed me to take on a tomporary contract in the country. Maybe I felt like i needed to get away for a bit. Its pretty lonely out here, away from home away from everything i know and love. I guess its given me time for some self reflection... discover who i am again, who i want to be.

I have been managing, between work and tiredness.. but the weekends are the worst. Nothing to do, not much to see... I just hope i will get something out of this, they say things happen for a reason...

Mothers day was bittersweet.. Took Evan bear out to release some balloon at the garden of remeberance...
I feel much happier having him home, and in bear form for cuddles. Went to the hospital again for results, again got told they werent in. Really over this feeling of not knowing one way or the other...

Still no luck in looking for work, I feel like im in a place of limbo right now, and i just cant move ahead no matter how hard i try ...

Evan Bear <3

Life is staggered.
Life is a struggle....

I hate this feeling of going from one exteme to the other, completely depressed, then greatful and enjoying the beauty of the world... then depression again.

I feel bad that i havent actually achieved anything website related over the past week. Thats not to say I havent been busy just had other things going on. Other things that are going quite well... Working on a special project for a friend that has become my focus, looking for a job which is currently the thorn in my side...

I want to work so i dont 'need' something to keep me busy. But the constant rejection is enough to make me want to give up - even from places that i thought i would really have a chance at. Does Baby Death make me unhirable? Its like I have a Stigma attached to me now that no one wants to be around. I wish it was as easy as erasing it from my history, but I have to account for the reasons for leaving my former employment - maternity leave, pregnancy complications... then account for the now 5 months that I havent been doing much at all.. wow has it really been that long?

So Mothers Day is Sunday. We're heading to the crematorium. yay. :/

I cant beleive its May already!


This month marks 3 months since Evan was taken from us... and the magic month where we can think about taking another shot at this baby stuff. Im lucky i have a partner who is so on board with this, he wants a child of his own more than anything right now. I do too, but i dont want it to be a 'bandaid baby' the one we have to have to heal us... but i do think it will go a long way into helping with the process - i just dont want to feel like we're just forgetting and moving on.. I miss him so badly.

So DP wants to get all healthy and stuff before TTC - yeah ideally i would to but i feel like this first cycle would be its own blessing- having a baby before Evans first birthday would soften the blow a little, having a baby a few months after a friend who is currently pregnant would soften the blow of having to see her with her baby... I just want to start the process now... Baby Gods - let us have this one, next month would be just too close to Evans birthday, and thinking further into the future is too unbearable right now.. please, just give us a break for once!!!!

This little page is just a memorial to the little boy who made it all possible. Evan. Every day in Australia, 6 babies are stillborn. Many more are born perfectly healthy, But it's still 6 too many.

So I got to go to my first SANDS meeting last night. was scared. REALLY scared and not knowing what to expect.. thought i was going to throw up.
But i got there. And it was pretty good. I just cant believe how NORMAL these girls who have lost their babies seem. I dunno, its comforting because sometimes i feel like im not normal, like its my fault this has happened.

I cant believe it but it looks like we could be 'trying again' really soon. Like next month. I dunno, is it too soon? I just want a baby to take home :( 

..so i think i have writers block... or whatever you would call it for a website... I think the problem is I have way too many ideas im focusing on and its becoming overwhelming.. Which is kinda sad because i feel like im not getting anywhere with anything.. I still cant sleep, not for lack of trying, but ive come to realise that sleep is where i am haunted of what should have, could have been... Even with sleeping pills i just cant seem to relax.


Wish i could tell you more, but im just sad and overtired really... 

Had a quiet day today, Im not sure i like those too much... It usually means at least at some point i have time to stop and think, and have tears streaming down my face.
But, at the same time a need to allow myself time to grieve. Time to get it all out, not supress things..
I had to pick up his things from the funeral home today. that was tough, and even tougher I know im going to have to go back soon to pick him up, his ashes, all we have left.

I dont think im very in touch with my emotions.

If someone asked me how i was feeling now... I would have to say.. comfortably numb. I still cant sleep well, and no Dr's pills are fixing that

I escaped to the shower before.. and had one of those random thoughts... I realised that i will never hold my little boys hand again. He's really gone.

THE BEGINNING

So, here we are - back at the start of this journey. TMI warning regarding sex and pregnancy symptoms!!

This story does not have a happy ending. Evan passed away on the 16th of February, and I gave birth the next day.   Its been tough. But Im OK atm. id like to continue this diary on about where we go from here.. And preserve the memories of our little Evan.

I think i need to go back to the beginiing. talk about the pregnanacy, talk about the birth, talk about the grief, talk about the healing process.
Maybe one day in the future ill even get to do it all again. And next time remeber to update more. It could all Slip away at any moment.

While i am here today id like to go through the choices i have made for saying goodbye to Evan. He will be farewelled friday week at 2:30pm

-I dont want a minister or a formal service.

-I just want to see him and hold him again for the last time.

-I want to have professional photos done - just me and DP

-I dont really want anyone else there, but realise thats selfish so will give family the chance to say goodbye but only after we have had some time alone.

-I want to burn some lavendar oil in the chapel so the scent is a reminder of my little boy. i can burn it to feel close to him and remeber him every time i smell it.

-I do not want to see my baby in a coffin. DP and i went out specifically to buy a basinette today for this purpose. How surreal was that.. baby shopping for a baby that has passed away. The bassinette however can be something he has used- that he can share with his potential brothers or sisters one day.

-i want to keep his ashes in a nice urn. I want some in a jewellery urn that i can wear when i want to feel him close to my heart.

-I want another locket for a lock of his hair and a photo of him- something i can wear every day. His ashes are a little too special for that.

-i want footprints and handprints taken - will get his little feet engraved on the locket.

i think thats it really. I hope thats enough to honour him in the way he deserves. I might write him a letter too, and tell him how sorry i am that my body couldnt sustain him for those last few days. Sorry for anything i did that made him uncomfortable inside me - and that i am all he ever knew of the world.

Sometimes i forget im even pregnant...

..Then i feel something ... a kick that shakes my whole belly. or a snuggling into my pelvis. now that is an odd feeling!

i dont have any good ultrasound pictures i had my last one at 23 weeks, and that was only because they couldnt get any good pictures the time before. baby liked to be head down and faceplanted into the bottom of my uterus and snoozing.

we got some pics tho, but from the looks of the pics we should name this kid Skeletor! .. even with the 4d the only recognisable pics are of his skull, backbone ribs .. looks kinda creepy.

we may get another scan in a week or so to check on positioning. that would be nice.. and hopefully he is still a boy.. i mean, ultrasound techs get it wrong sometimes!

things have gone downhill a little bit.. have been diagnosed with mild pre eclamsia which means that bub could be here any day really depending on what happens, its just a wait n see at this stage. but be ready for action

action? i have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. managed to drag myself out for blood tests today.. the lady asked me all sort of questions about what im having, is it my first, names etc.. blah.. dont even feel like talking about it right now. dunno whats up with me.. hormonal>? meh.